


Surviving

by Trash



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: FtM Steve, M/M, Tony is a douche. Bucky isn't. Basically., Trans Character, transphobic language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-24 04:36:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7494051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trash/pseuds/Trash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You can't have both," says Natasha. </p><p>Steve already knows that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Surviving

**Author's Note:**

> Five-foot tall trans Steve is purely projection on my part. Not sorry.

"When did he get here?" Natasha says, watching through the two-way mirrored lab window. 

Clint shrugs. "I have no idea. Stark is pitching a fit about the security breach but we all know what his real problem is."

"Steve," Natasha says, and Clint nods. 

Steve pretends not to have heard their talking as he walks through the room to the lab door. They've set up a bed in the centre, someone has tried to make it look like a hospital room. Homely touches; clean sheets on bed, covering the utensil trays. Clint, probably. 

***

Steve won't leave the lab, not even when Bruce threatens him with the Hulk. 

"The Winter Soldier is a threat," Natasha says whilst Steve reads all of Bruce's notes. She follows him from one side of the lab to the other whilst he checks the contents of the IV bags with what is written down. "He is a real threat, and you need to back off."

"No," Steve says, "you need to back off. When Clint-"

"Don't try that argument again, it's an old one."

"But still true. Sometimes things are bigger than your mission or your plans or your commands. You can't crisis control everything, Natasha."

She gives him a hard look and turns on her heel. The doors to the lab slide open and she stands between them, her back to the room. "Tony is up next," she warns. "He threatened to put the suit on and drag you out."

Steve doesn't say anything. 

***

As promised, Tony shows up sometime in the early hours of the morning. He joins Steve in the lab with his hands stuck in his pockets. "Drug withdrawal is a fucking bitch" he says around the lollipop he has in his mouth. 

Steve doesn't look up. "Why are you still awake?"

"Sleep is for the weak." Tony takes a seat on the other side of the bed and looks the Soldier up and down. "Nice arm."

"When I was a kid I was sick a lot. Kinda hoped I'd just grow out of it but I never did. And whether it meant he had to miss playing in a busted fire-hydrant or, later, a shift at the docks to pay the rent Bucky never, ever left my side."

"Huh. So that's what this is? You're, what, paying him back? You know the second he wakes up he's probably gonna crush your windpipe with that tin-man arm of his?"

Steve nods, pinches the bridge of his nose and sits back with a sigh. "I want to be the first person he sees. He came here, he found me. I'm not leaving until he wakes up."

Tony looks at him with a guarded expression, pulls the lollipop from his mouth and points it in Steve's direction. "You're on, Cap. The second he wakes up."

"And not a second before," Steve smiles weakly, and Tony nods. 

***

Steve falls asleep and dreams of Bucky falling away from him. In his dreams Steve always jumps after him.

***

He wakes up with a start and Bucky is staring at him. Steve has dreamt of this moment, watched it unfold a thousand different ways. 

"Buck," he says. 

"Steve," Bucky replies, though it's clear from his expression it's muscle memory and nothing more. He clenches his jaw and looks away, surveys the room.

"How you feeling, pal?"

Bucky looks at him, eyes like ice. Like seventy years of ice, hardened and untouchable. "You didn't come looking for me," he says, "the second time."

And it's all of Steve's worst fears. He sleeps with his own voice telling him he should have jumped, should have gone after him, shouldn't have assumed. And now-

"It was real cold," Bucky says, eyes set on the middle distance. "It was so cold and I thought, it's okay. It'll be okay."

Steve blinks hard and fat tear drops fall onto his knees. "Bucky-"

Bucky looks at him with something close to recognition. "You're the only mission I've failed to complete," he says.

Steve wants to say something, anything, just to end the buzzing in his ears. But then the door bursts open to reveal Tony. And Bucky says, "Howard Stark."

"Nope. But we're gonna have a real nice chat about that," Tony tells him, a hand clamping down on Steve's shoulder like a vice. 

***  
Tony doesn't come to bed that night and Steve figures he's not really in any position to complain, having been at Bucky's bedside for two nights running. Still, he is acutely aware of the empty space beside him. 

The lab is darkened, a solitary light focused on Bucky's bed. There are less IV bags now, Bucky isn't chained down to the gurney. 

Tony leans against the wall of the observation room, hands in his pockets, and doesn't look up when Steve walks in. "It was him," he says to the window. 

"What?"

"My...parents. It was him."

"Your parents died in a car crash, Tony," Steve says, but there's a lump in his throat that is hard to swallow around.

"Mmmhmm. Accidents happen and all that."

"You don't seem too cut up about the information."

Tony shrugs. "Dunno what to tell you, I've had years to deal with it. Of course they didn't just die in a car crash. I know enough about the world to know that."

"What's going to happen to him?" Steve says after a while. 

Tony shrugs. "Think maybe they've learned their lesson about trying to contain supervillains after Loki Houdinied his way out of that glass jar."

"Bucky's not a supervillain."

"The Winter Soldier is an assassin," Tony says, like Steve can separate the two in his mind. The person on the gurney is Bucky. Bucky who taught Steve to dance and shave and never gave up on him even though his asthma cigarettes meant they were nearly always short for rent. 

"So what, then? Keep him and experiment on him? That makes us no better than Hydra."

Without looking at Steve, Tony says, "The Winter Soldier is Hydra."

Steve wants to argue, but he simultaneously doesn't want to look at Tony anymore. So he turns on his heel and leaves, and instructs JARVIS not to let Tony back into their room.

***

"I'm not really sure how you imagined this playing out," Natasha says. 

Steve isn't sure either, says as much. 

"You can't have both."

Steve already knows that. 

***

Bucky and Natasha hit it off in a hate-sex kind of way. They spar together under the watchful eye of Clint and Steve. 

Tony comes and goes. Steve wishes he knew what to say to him. 

"They're something else," Tony says. More to Clint than Steve. 

"Mmhm."

"Jealous?"

Clint raises an eyebrow and signs something at Tony. 

Steve knows enough to understand it. 'I'm not the only one,' he said. 

***

Bucky has questions only Steve can answer. 

"I don't want you going in there with him," Tony says as he hovers outside the cell. He puts his hand on Steve's shoulder, and Steve is reminded of their first time. Remembers being terrified, not because he is a virginal shrinking violet, but because Tony had power over him. It had been so long since he had wanted anything, and Tony could give it to him. Or not. 

"I'll be fine."

"It's not your safety I'm worried about."

Steve laughs. "The guy barely remembers me, yet you think he would want to fuck me? Whatever may have been, some things get too broken Tony. You should know that." He brushes away the hand and scans his fob, opening the door to the cell. 

"Hello," says Steve. 

Bucky is sitting at a small table crowded over a book, he looks up. "Hello."

"I should have jumped," Steve says. It's not what he had meant to say, not what was in the brief. But he can't hold his tongue. "You gotta believe me when I say I regret not letting go of that damn train."

"I believe you are incapable of lying."

Steve smiles weakly. "Not to you. Never you."

"I'm not your friend," Bucky says. He clenches his fist and his arm whirrs, hums. 

"You are. Things just...changed. We changed. And nothing changed at the same time. I know you remember me, remember us. You asked about me."

Bucky blinks. "There was a girl," he says. "They told me not to say that."

Steve steps forward and takes a seat in the empty chair. It's bolted to the floor, as is the table. Steve wonders what use that would be if Bucky felt inclined to escape. 

"The girl. They said I was mistaken. And not to mention it. But I remember her. I don't remember her name."

"You're not mistaken. Her name was Steve. On the inside, Steve was male. On the outside he wasn't. The girl you remember, is me."

Bucky blinks but otherwise doesn't react. 

"The serum changed all of that. Most of it."

Bucky cocks his head to one side. "Steve," he says, something flickers in his eyes. "You were small."

"Five foot tall."

"Jesus. And you were all the time fighting."

"Nothing's changed," Steve says. 

***

Tony outs him at dinner. 

"I don't get it, Cap," he says. He has a mouthful of chilli. "You've just given him all the ammo he needs."

"I'm not sure I know what you mean," Steve says. The Avengers push their food around awkwardly. 

"Telling him you're trans."

"He already knew that. I reminded him. I was told to answer his questions - I did. I'm not sure I'm any more unsafe than I was before."

"Huh," says Tony, "if you say so."

Bruce sighs heavily and pushes away from the table. "I am not staying here for this."

"Guys," Clint says, "let's just leave it."

"I don't know what you're implying, Tony."

"Well. He knows what's in your pants now, and he knows how to get to it. I've heard rape is bad but you know-"

Someone slams their fist into the table and scream, "enough!" It takes a minute for Steve to realise it's him. His plate has smashed and there's blood. He raises his hand and stares at it, fascinated. Disassociation. That's new. 

"I'm just saying-"

"You're just saying that my being trans makes me weak. Fuck you for that. I never, ever thought we would get to this point. Bucky will never use my gender against me, unlike you. So tell me, who should I be afraid of?"

He clears his broken plate the best he can, dumping the whole lot in the trash can. He goes for a run, out into the dark. He wishes he could get drunk. He runs to the bridge, climbs up onto the edge, and screams. 

***

He doesn't go back to the tower until the morning. 

Natasha meets him at the door and he knows, instantly. "Where is he?"

"SHIELD took him. I don't know where. Steve," she says, touching his arm lightly, "I'm so sorry."

Steve nods, closes his eyes. "I knew I had to choose. I didn't know it would be this easy."

***

Contrary to Tony's belief, SHIELD have not learned their lesson. Clint tranqs the armed guards whilst Natasha disarms the alarms and CCTV. Steve picks his way through the building carefully until he finds him, curled up in a cage chained to the floor of a pod similar to Loki's. 

"Buck," he says. 

Bucky starts, his stars glassy and drugged. "You're here."

"Til the end of the line, pal. Now, let's get you out of here."

***

It's going to be hard work, Steve tells Bucky right away once they leave Clint and Natasha and SHIELD behind. 

"You underestimate me. And yourself."

"Could never underestimate you, Buck," he says. 

Bucky smiles, lopsided and warm. "Stevie. My Stevie."

"That's right," Steve says. He swings his leg over his bike and waits for Bucky to take up pillion, his arms snaking around Steve's waist. "Where to?"

"Anywhere away from here," Bucky says. 

And they go.


End file.
